I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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