so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
