I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?