My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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