The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
