she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
