My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
