no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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