she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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