Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
