What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
