A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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