He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
