Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think your dad took our porno
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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