i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
