Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
