If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
