I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
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Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize