I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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