i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
