she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.