fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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