worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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