The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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