I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
