He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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