He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The beer is more important than you right now.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
