She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
