he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
