I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
