im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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