i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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