Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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