Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
