How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
