Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
