Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
