I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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