he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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