i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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