there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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