I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
