Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
