There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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