I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
