the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
