My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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