I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
