Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
