I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
