you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.