i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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