I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
