Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
