She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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