Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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