i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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